It’s Dark in Here
Welcome to my mind.
Sometimes a willy-nilly pouncing dance, occasionally somber, often in a state of over stimulated haziness and certainly a wild ride.
I’m just not the normal Making Me Monday girl lately. I cannot seem to push the clouds back. The haze, the fog is too thick and I feel lost and adrift. Today I am ashamed of my illness. It is making me instead. It makes me do things that make me into nothing.
When life has you running in circles it would leave anyone a bit dizzy. I am a spirograph of thoughts and confusion. Sounds whispered so softly yet in such measure that sometimes I know not whether they come from without or within. In the doorways and corners. I’ll not forget the spider-like leaf that rushed me in the street. In droves they come.
None of this is new. But my, how it’s become so old. Dear, how it makes me so tired. See how it uses me up and leaves me a shell for a time. But you’ll only see my words. My tear-stained cheeks and reckless endeavors remain reserved for the ones brave enough to love me. I’ll never understand why they refuse to run, resist escape while the door lays wide open. I want to scream at them. I want them to know that it’s okay to leave broken things behind.
Funny how I believe in such beautiful things, isn’t it? A quandary that I know what is happening and yet am helpless to bring this to a halt. A perplexity that as my skull cracks and my brain catches fire I begin to forget who I am. Who I was. If I were. So, I smash some keys, illicit this typography to help me remember. I can’t know what the rest of the day holds or what may come my way tomorrow. I only grasp tight to this smidgen of clarity before it to turns to dust. Sandstorms move swiftly.
Before I step out of my mind.
Filed under A Piece of Me, Making Me Monday, Write It Out
30 (Satur)Days of Me: #13
Day 13: A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Ha Ha! If this isn’t the powers that be giving me a serious look, with the nod of a head and a raise eyebrow, then I sure as sugar don’t know what is. What a treat this will be. After yesterdays Five-Minute-Friday I may just be sending the rest of you running for the door with this Saturday Challenge. But this girl, no matter how messed up or misunderstood doesn’t do fake. And I don’t do pretend unless it involves superheros and a tea party. Seriously, Bruce Banner could use the occasional cup of chamomile. Anyways, welcome yet again to a little peak at my crazies.
Dear jamie,
I don’t know if it is you who is doing the hurting or if in fact it is me, Jamie. I think perhaps we hurt each other. I think sometimes that all these pills meant to “normalize” us are just weapons in a war intent on making us all toe the line. March even. Don’t ask why. Pop ‘em, gulp, swallow and move on. Perhaps we are taking turns hurting each other. Yesterday you were telling me things. Things I’m told to ignore. “Those thoughts are false,” they say. But when I tell them that jamie makes perfect sense when she screams about my failures and how she is just trying to show everyone who Jamie is, I can only fight to find the numbness in the scars that will be from the warm red that comes. I know we are one but separate. So who is hurting who?
Sincerely,
Jamie
Double Take: Brave & Comfort – Five Minute Friday
Sometimes life gets busy and I’ll look at the clock and notice that I missed out on another Five Minute Friday. It bums me out, but I’ll tell my self, “No biggy, the next Friday isn’t far.” So I figure I’ll just do another double take as I have in the past. these two words seem very fitting sitting next to each other now.
Prompt: BRAVE & COMFORT
Ready… SET… GO!
Last weeks prompt was brave. I was anything but. I could barely think the word without shame, tears and self loathing. Nope, sometimes this girl is very UN-brave.
I sometimes get an idea of when to be on guard and have a bit of time to make a preemptive strike. But this time I missed the red flags. No cavalry would be sitting in wait. When the monster snuck inside me I was unprepared and fearful. I am fearful. I am dark. I am less than. I try to tell the monster that she is confused that we are sick that we can just remember our skills and take our pills and find comfort. In unison we reply, “That’s all a lie, it’s all a farce made to trick us. Even the pills know we don’t deserve the comfort.”
Jamie knows what is happening. jamie knows they’ve been fooling me. Jamie knows that self-destructing hurts people who love us. jamie knows they don’t really give a damn. You may read this and never come back. jamie is banking on it. Jamie wishes that having a broken brain didn’t make it so easy for jamie to get her way. Jamie also hates the sound her name makes but feels full of sorrow and loss when I have to call her a monster. I would never hurt someone else. Someone else may need to be brave to learn to love me and my broken brain. Someone else deserves the comfort.
STOP
Filed under A Piece of Me, Five Minute Friday, Write It Out
Let’s Get Lit! – Treasury Tuesday
‘Get Lit’ by HouseOfEwes
The weather is beautiful here in New England and we love getting outside after long winters indoors. No one wants the fun to stop once the sun goes down, so let’s get lit!
 Solar Eco Friendly Ligh… $37
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 20 White Cotton Ball St… $12.99
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 The Glamorpus Night Lig… $40
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 Moon Mason Jar Solar Ni… $18
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 The ORIGINAL Hand-Paint… $25
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 5 Birch Bark Log Tea Li… $18
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 Cloud Night Light with … $30
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 Recycled Wine Bottle Li… $16.99
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 Outdoor solar chandelie… $55
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 Glowmatic – Sweeeeeet L… $24.95
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 Greenish Vintage Cannin… $189
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 Light Up TuTu Skirt $85
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 Branches of light (3 se… $590
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 Pre-drilled Glass Block… $18.99
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 20 Burgundy-White Bodhi… $13.47
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 4 – Outdoor Hanging Mas… $36.95
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Treasury tool supported by the dog house
Filed under My Fellow Etsians, Treasury Tuesday
30 (Satur)Days of Me: #12
Day 12: Why did you start blogging?
Blog, blogging, blogged. I started for a few reasons, and actually, my original reason for starting has become the least focused upon aspect. Funny how things like that happen, isn’t it? It’s the story of my life really, fluid change, but that’s how things should be.
This isn’t my first attempt at joining the blogosphere. Several years ago (6 or 7) I thought I’d give it a whirl. I had just learned to knit and noticed there was an abundance of knitting bloggers and figured I’d join in the fun. I believe I published about 10 posts when I gave it up. I eventually discovered Ravelry and realized that I didn’t need a knitting blog when I had such an awesome site at my disposal.
Flash forward to June of 2011. I had opened my Etsy shop at the end of May (after much hemming and hawing and planning) and thought I’d start a blog so that my customers might get an opportunity to know the person who they were procuring their goods from. I immediately found myself so busy just learning how to run a little business that I had no time to blog at all.
Well, if you’ve read my blog, you’ll notice that I don’t actually talk about my shop very often. It’s mentioned here and there. They say you need to have a niche to be any good at blogging. My niche is not very noticeable. It didn’t take very long for me to realize that I didn’t have enough House of Ewes related subject matter to write about on the regular. I discovered Five Minute Friday by Lisa-Jo Baker and thought, “Hey, why not join in?” and not long afterwards figured out that I may as well use blogging to improve.
Yes, improve.
Improve upon being a better me through written introspection. Improve my writing, because I’ve always loved the written word but long ago gave up writing for the love of it. Improve my ability to carefully and safely crawl out of my shell and peek at the world while allowing others, however few, to take a peek at me… from a distance. Little by little blogging is making me a bit bolder. Word by word I find a smidgen more confidence. And it turns out that there are others out there like me, each post bringing me just a touch closer to them. Perhaps, to you 
Springtastic – Treasury Tuesday
‘Spring Has Sprung’ by HouseOfEwes
At the first sign of crocus’ blooming in my yard, I get giddy with spring fever! Follow the flowers to wonderful finds.
Treasury tool supported by the dog house
Filed under My Fellow Etsians, Treasury Tuesday
30 (Satur)Days of Me: #11
Day 11: Another picture of you and your friends.
I really don’t have a ton of pics of me and my friends (I believe I’ve mentioned my aversion to having my picture taken before) so I’m really down to slim pickings here.
Let’s see….
Oh this is a fun one
Halloween, circa 2000 I believe. I even convinced Mr. Amazing to dress up with me that year which is a feat! This was taken after trick-or-treating with the kids and getting them settled in at their grandmas house for the night. It was time for the big kids to get out and play Turned out to be a Happy Halloween indeed
Filed under 30 Saturdays of Me Challenge, A Piece of Me, Write It Out
